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Articles
Friendship Vs
Friendshifts – A Magical Concept
by
Dr. Anjana Maitra
It has rightly been observed, “friends are not luxuries, they are
necessities”. Friends are the glue that holds our lives together.
Friends can be a source of self-esteem, affection and good times.
Studies have shown that people with friends live longer and children
with friends do better in school.
We often take our friends for granted. Right through our journey of life
we deal with friends, often little realizing how powerful and positive
friendships can be. Friends indeed play a crucial role in our lives.
‘Friendshifts’ is a newly coined word in English that indicates the way
our friendships change as we go from one stage of our life to another,
or even relocate from one school, job, neighborhood or community to
another. For example, I am still in touch with some of my old classmates
in school, though we are living in different cities spread all over the
world.
As we go on in years, we make new friends – in the neighborhood, at
work, in our social circle and so on. But old friends from school or
college days still have a special place in our hearts- probably because
we spent our formative and impressionable years with them, sharing our
future dreams and aspirations. As the old adage goes, “Make new friends
but keep the old; one is silver, but the other’s gold.”
The need to form new friends may be caused by a change in interests, a
move to another city or neighborhood, a switch of jobs, a promotion to
another level or into another profession, the death of old friends or
even of a spouse, and so on. Shifting to new friendships can serve
current needs, but one can still be connected to old friends who are
seen less frequently.
Staying in touch with old friends needs time and effort. My mother
unfailingly wishes her old friends on their birthdays and wedding
anniversaries and keeps them updated about all of us. Some of them she
has not met for the last 35-40 years, but they are in touch through
letters and phone calls. People marvel at the way she meticulously keeps
in touch with friends all over the globe, but she derives immense
satisfaction from it.
The variety of roles that we must play throughout our life – as student,
employee, spouse or parent- changes, as does the place that friendship
holds in our life. But we still need friends, ranging from casual to
close or best friends, and of both genders. Friendship plays a continual
role, although at different stages it will be less or more important to
our emotional stability, depending on the other primary attachments in
our life.
Often an acquaintance may later develop into a friend. However it is
important for both acquaintances to want to develop a friendship; if
that mutuality is missing, being visible and following up on an initial
meeting are futile.
Studies have found that single adults felt more greatly the importance
of substitute networks of human relationships that met their needs for
intimacy, sharing and continuity. Single persons often have a ‘family’
consisting of several close, unrelated friendships that they have
nurtured over the years.
It is vital to keep adding to a friendship network, as friends become
unavailable because someone moves or gets totally immersed in a romantic
relationship or an all-consuming situation such as a demanding new job.
These friendshifts enable you to replenish your network as you always
feel connected to at least one close friend.
Marriage is one of the biggest of life’s friendshifts. In addition to
the time-consuming commitment to a spouse and adjustment to a new life,
marriage means taking on another set of family relationships- in laws,
nieces, nephews- and those role relations cut down on the time, and
need, for friends. There is also a spouse’s friendship network that will
take time to know. Also, spouses become each other’s close friends.
Becoming a parent also involves a friendshift. Young mothers often
develop close bonds with other young mothers in a pediatrician's
chamber, the park or even at a crèche. I remember, when my daughter Neha
was a baby, I became close friends with Karen, who lived upstairs in our
flat in Kolkata, and whose baby Harsha was born 2 days before Neha in
the same hospital. Both of us used to take the babies out for a stroll
in their prams in the evenings and exchange notes about parenting. Karen
is in Singapore now and I am in Rourkela but we are in touch and when I
visited Singapore a few years back, we met and had a great time. Parents
often develop friendships with parents of their kids’ classmates, whom
they meet at Parent Teacher Meetings, School functions, birthday parties
etc.
Friendship is also crucial for those who are going through divorce or
sudden death of a spouse, whatever their age. It is an alternative
source of emotional support for them. Such persons are often drawn
towards other singles who may be facing similar situations.
How do friends keep in touch, maintaining the contact that is necessary
if a friendship is to survive and grow? The best way to keep a
friendship evolving is via the telephone and then through
letters/e-mails etc. If you are living in the same city, try to meet
your friends at least once or twice a month. You may meet over lunch or
a cup of coffee, join an exercise group together, do your shopping
together, or whatever.
It is important to maintain your valued friendships, despite
inconvenience. You can turn a friendship pair into a threesome or a
network. You may then find more power in numbers as a way to more easily
keep the friendship flourishing. Friendshifts permit friendships to be
more or less important to us, depending upon where we are in life, as
well as what our friend is going through. The friendship persists, but
it shifts.
Friendship between a parent and a child is a very unique type of
friendship. My teenage daughter Neha and I are very close friends and
she confides everything in me, including which boy she found handsome at
a party. Her friends often wonder how she can talk everything under the
sun with me, because they are not so free with their parents.
Friendshifts especially as a child becomes an adult, allow a
parent-child supervisory relationship to shift to more of a friendship.
Thus friendshifts are inevitable; as our lives change, so do our
friendships. Moving a friendship to a different level of intensity or
frequency, or even letting it fade away, does not diminish what that
relationship once gave you. But avoid letting a cherished friendship
fade simply because of neglect or poor time management. Since friendship
is a voluntary relationship, if you fail to return your friends’ calls
or don’t reply to their letters or e-mails, or fail to be there when you
are needed, before long they will find other friends to replace you.
Today we have the potential to benefit from the winning and powerful
combination of the exalted status of friendship from the Great Friend
Approach of the Old World with the advantages of the new Modern Friend
Approach. The newer age values old friends and also sees friendshifts as
a part of life. We have more relationship choices than our previous
generations, so our best, close or casual friendships potentially can
benefit from these shifts. While technology may or may not connect us
worldwide, friendships will always be the bonds that will continue to
connect humanity.
July 12, 2009
Image under license with
Gettyimages.com
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